Migrating

I will be slowly migrating a lot of these posts over to asapmom.wordpress.com.  The transition will take awhile, but I really want a blog where I can write about more things than weight loss as after having a baby, I have so much more that goes through my mind.

Random Observations

I haven’t posted in awhile, and to be honest I haven’t really had an excuse as to why I am not posting.  My kids and I were on summer break and all I really had to focus on was work.  Yet, the idea of writing and sorting out my thoughts seemed to be the single most overwhelming thing I could imagine.  I continually thought of things to write.  Things that inspire me, challenge me, confuse me and cause me to question a myriad of things in my life.  Yet, each time I sat down to sort it out in black and white, I procrastinated and found something else to do instead.  I have focus in my weight loss program, but have put my mental health on hold.   Now I find myself on the last leg of my weight loss journey, the beginning of my year long quest to become a licensed massage therapist and my mind is cluttered with all sorts of unresolved issues.  The reason this infuriates me is I know I cannot choose to only keep myself healthy physically.  If I don’t increase my health mentally, I will slide backwards and lose all the progress I have gained these past nine months.  In an effort to ward off the possibility of reverting to my old ways, I have decided to take note of some random observations I have made lately, both internal and external.  Then, slowly but surely (I’m sure not nearly as frequently as I would like due to school) I will wade through these observations. 

Internal–

  • I hate the word skinny, and have a very negative reaction to it when people use it to describe me.  I cannot describe the amount of frustration and ire the word skinny builds inside of me.  I am not skinny.  Yes, I am almost to slender, and have a much more athletic build, but I am not skinny.  Skinny is used to describe women who have forgotten how food tastes, not me. 
  • I get really irritated when people tell me to stop losing weight, or are shocked when I inform them I want to lose more weight.  They don’t see me without my clothes on, so they don’t know I still have chub to lose.  I have not reached my goal, I am not underweight so stop telling me I am thin enough!  Do they consider themselves thin enough?  Or do I consistently hear them griping about those five pounds they need to lose.  If they aren’t where they want to be, stop acting like I will be anorexic if I lose another pound. 
  • I still reach for clothes a size larger than I wear, assuming there is no way I could fit into a smaller size.  I have gone from a size 24 to a size 14 and I still reach for my size 16 jeans.  Then, I find myself confused when I am pulling up my pants all day long. 
  • When my husband wants to hug or hold me, I cringe when he reaches for my waist because I don’t want him to feel my fat rolls.  Thing is, I don’t have fat rolls anymore.  I should relish the thought of him feeling my waist and discovering there is a waist there!  Instead, I still try to hide it from him. 
  • I consistently find myself surprised when I can fit into small spaces, wear the same size as others around me, and am one of the more slender women in a room.
  • I still feel an intense fear that I am going to be the largest woman in a room.
  • I still hate eating in front of others for fear they are going to look at what I am eating and make assumptions as to why I have a weight problem.
  • When others around me talk about someone who is morbidly obese, I try to disappear so they will not realize that I too, am morbidly obese.
  • I don’t push myself as far in my workout as I could, because I naturally assume I cannot do the exercise due to being out of shape and overweight.  It doesn’t matter that I have lasted through two phases of my work out DVD’s and am on the last phase, I just naturally assume I cannot do the exercise. 
  • Even though I have proven to myself that I can overcome so much, when bad things happen I still feel I deserved the bad luck. 
  • Despite all the bad habits, cravings and pitfalls I have overcome, when stress comes knocking, especially financial stress, my first reaction is to reach for food.  I still have not found a successful method for coping with stress.
  • In short, my body has changed, but my mind has not.  I still see a fat, unhappy person when I look in the mirror.  My mind has not caught up to where my body is.

External–

  • My face is narrower, and my double chin has all but disappeared.
  • My posture has changed.  I walk with my shoulders back. 
  • I am mildly less self-conscious about how others see me, but still very uncertain of myself.
  • People see me change faster than I see it.  They notice the little things.  They see the effort.  I am always harder on myself than others are.  This causes me to rethink the whole concept of people spending time thinking about me and judging me. 
  • People are amazed at the effort I have put out this year while losing weight.  I see my weight loss as something long over due. 
  • People congratulate me, tell me they are proud of me.  They ask if I am proud of myself.  While I answer that I am, am I really?  If I am still seeing myself as fat, do I genuinely feel the sense of accomplishment I tell others I feel?
  • Friends and family see the best in me, while I see the worst in me.  They see my potential, my abilities and feel I deserve the best.  I constantly fight against the feeling that I am a has been at 36 and can’t really accomplish more than I have.  I consistently think I have missed one boat after another, and therefore they quit sending boats.
  • Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.  While, I am consistently critical of what I see in the mirror, others are impressed. 
  • People are satisfied by who I am now, impressed with who I am now.  I am horrified and dismayed by my lack of accomplishments. 
  • The public I have for so long feared and shrank from are much more forgiving and supportive than I ever gave them credit.
  • Friends, family and acquaintances see me for who I am really am, I am still looking in the mirror of inaccuracy. 
There are days when I feel as if I am stuck in the Fun House of Mirrors at the circus and no matter which way I look I do not see myself accurately.  My vision is distorted and I can’t see through the distortion to what is really there.  It has gotten to the point where I wonder if I should use my trusted friends as my mirror.  Maybe I need to put aside my distorted view and rely on my friends and family to reflect who and what I have become.  They tell me I deserve so much more than what I have.  Is it possible I need to stop listening to my inner voice and listen to them for a change?  I know it would be dangerous to consistently use others as a mirror and inner voice, that could lead to even bigger problems.  However, it might be necessary for just a short while as I remove the vision of myself I have had for so long and replace it with the upgraded version of who I am now.  I am not a has been.  I have not wasted my entire life away.  I do have potential I have not fully tapped into, and I do deserve better than what I allow myself on a daily basis.  I have overcome so much physically.  I have healed myself, improved myself and discovered I am more powerful than I ever believed.  Now it’s time to face the dark regions of my mind and start changing my perception of who I am and what I can be. 

Small Goals, Huge Reward

I did some math today and realized I am two thirds of the way to my goal.  It took me by surprise because despite the amount of weight I’ve lost it still seems I have a long ways to go.  There are days when the end seems a lifetime away.  To my dismay, I realized I am concentrating on what lies ahead of me instead of what I have accomplished.  So, I am going to take a moment and spend a little time congratulating myself on how far I have come, and what I have accomplished.

I have lost 70lbs, a total of 25.3% of my body weight.  I’ve gone from a size 24 to a size 16.  I’ve lost 27.5 inches all over my body.  My joints feel better and sound better.  I have the most control over my eating habits I have had in my life.  I’ve worked out for the past 8 weeks without giving up.  I can walk up and down the stairs of my house without losing my breath, and with my ability to forget what I was looking for that is a lot of stairs!  I came in second place in a weight loss competition at work.  I fit in coach airplane seats and movie theater seats. 

I have more energy and self confidence.  I allow my picture to be taken.  I’ve shared pictures of myself online, something I never imagined myself doing.  I shared my size and weight with my husband today, yes just today.  I would never allow him to pick clothes out for me because sharing how much I weighed and what size I wore was simply too much for me.  He now knows my size and even made a comment about never having that information before.  I accept compliments and acknowledge to others, and myself, that I am working really hard to change my health and my habits.  All in all I am simply more comfortable with who I am and what I can do. 

I look at some of those accomplishments and feel a true sense of pride in who I am becoming.  That said, I’ve decided I need to think about smaller goals instead of the very end goal.  Yes, the end goal is exciting and important, but it can also make it feel like I am never going to get to that point.  So, at the beginning of the 9th week of exercise and the last 1/3of my weight loss goal, I am giving myself a small goal and some fun things with which to reward myself.

  1. I have 7lbs to lose and I will weigh less than 200lbs for the first time in six years.  199lbs is my first small goal. 
  2. When I achieve 199lbs I am going to go through my entire closet and eliminate everything that is too big for me and donate the clothes to charity.  My closet is overflowing as I have a hard time throwing anything away.  I am looking forward to making room for smaller clothing.  I also figure this will make it more expensive to gain weight again, giving me another incentive to continue my healthy lifestyle. 
  3. I am going to allow myself an allotment of money to go shopping at the thrift store for some smaller clothes.
  4. Lastly, I am going to go to Whole Foods and allow myself a bite sized dessert you can purchase there.  A small reward that will be tasty, but not destroy what I have worked towards. 

As I look at my list of goals, I feel an excitement to keep working as these goals and rewards are not very far off.  I can do this in a few weeks and enjoy the rewards.  Afterwards I will set another set of goals and look forward to more rewards.  Small goals, baby steps and yet in the end it will help me arrive at a huge reward.